This post is drawn from our Coaching videos which are specifically intended for certain personality types. In this case, the insights are drawn from interviews of successful, ESTJ, ISTJ, INTJ, ENTJ, INTP, and ISTP leaders who have mastered the art of investing in relationships as a career accelerant. You can also watch the video at the bottom of the article.
Imagine this: You’re at work, laser-focused on your to-do list. Emails to send, projects to finalize, meetings to prep for – it’s all about getting things done. You’re in what I like to call “task mode,” and let’s be honest, small talk feels like a waste of time. Sound familiar?
For certain personality types – especially those who lean toward task orientation – investing in relationships doesn’t come naturally. It’s not that you don’t value people, it’s just that your brain is wired to prioritize results over rapport. But here’s the kicker: neglecting relationships can actually slow you down, hurt your reputation, and even turn colleagues into obstacles.
Let’s break this down.
The Task vs. Relationship Struggle
Inside the mind of a task-oriented individual, there’s a mental switch that toggles between “task mode” and “relationship mode.” When you’re with friends or family, it’s easy to flip into relationship mode – connecting, laughing, and enjoying the moment. But at work? That switch often gets stuck in task mode, especially when your to-do list feels like a pile of weights on your shoulders.
Here’s the problem: while you’re busy checking off tasks, many of your colleagues are operating in relationship mode – even at work. They’re building connections, sharing stories, and creating goodwill. And when you’re all business, it can come across as curt, transactional, or even robotic.
The Cost of Neglecting Relationships
So, what’s the downside of staying in task mode? Let’s be blunt: it can hurt your career.
- Favors Become Harder to Get: If you haven’t built a relationship with someone, they’re far less likely to go out of their way to help you.
- Collaboration Suffers: Without a foundation of trust and goodwill, colleagues may not bring their best effort to shared projects.
- Reputation Takes a Hit: Being overly task-focused can make you seem cold or unapproachable, even if that’s not your intention.
In extreme cases, neglecting relationships can turn coworkers into obstacles—people who actively resist your efforts or slow down your progress.
The Relationship Bank Account
Here’s a game-changing metaphor: think of every interaction with a colleague as a deposit or withdrawal in a “relationship bank account.”
- Deposits:
- Giving an authentic compliment (+2 points)
- Having a purely personal conversation (+1 point)
- Withdrawals:
- Walking past without saying hello (-5 points)
- Focusing solely on tasks with no pleasantries (-10 points)
- Engaging in a confrontation (-25 points)
As you can see, it takes a LOT of deposits to make up for even one major withdrawal. My guess is you kind of already get that idea…
Here is the much harder truth: blended interactions – where the conversation includes both a personal connection and something work related DO NOT COUNT AS DEPOSITS. That’s right, you might spend 20 minutes catching up about the weekend and have one little sentence at the end like “BTW, can you send me an update on project Onyx when you have a chance?” and the whole conversation is neutralized. Zero points awarded.
To truly build goodwill and connection you need moments of pure connection with no work element included.
Practical Strategies for Building Relationships
If you’re ready to prioritize relationships, here are some actionable steps to get started:
- Switch to Relationship Mode: Dedicate specific times during the week to focus solely on personal connections. This could be a casual chat, a coffee break, or even a quick email—just make sure there’s no work agenda.
- Find Common Interests: Whether it’s a shared love of pugs or a mutual obsession with a TV show, finding common ground makes connecting easier and more enjoyable.
- Give Genuine Compliments: Take time to think about what you genuinely appreciate about your colleagues, and share it with them regularly. Authenticity is key—people can spot fake flattery a mile away.
- Avoid Hidden Agendas: If you’re having a personal conversation, resist the urge to sneak in a work request. Even a quick “Oh, by the way…” can undo the goodwill you’ve built.
- Be Consistent: Building relationships isn’t a one-and-done effort. Make it a habit to invest in your colleagues over time.
What About Virtual, Distributed, or Hybrid Teams?
The short answer? It’s much harder to maintain healthy relationship bank accounts when you’re not getting regular, in-person, non-work interactions.
When was the last time you set up a Zoom or Teams meeting and DIDN’T discuss something work related? Virtual interactions are almost always tinged with some work element – why else set up the call? But the truth is that these mixed interactions do not count as deposits in the relationship bank account. As a result, most remote or hybrid teams are significantly overdrawn on the relationship side. This means it is easier to have trust issues, run into conflicts, and so on because there is less buffer.
What can you do? While it might seem awkward at first, my strong recommendation is to incorporate non-work related meet-ups for remote and hybrid teams. These might be 10min one on ones, or a group of 3-5 people jumping into a room for a quick chat.
The only rule? No work talk permitted. Meetings don’t have to be long or awkward – just enough to chat and connect. Maybe there are topics that people agree to in advance, etc. Some of our clients have gotten really creative along these lines, setting up virtual social hours where people move among break out room interacting with one another and getting past the transactional component to get to know one another.
And as a pro tip for the hybrid teams out there – make sure that your in-person time together has some of these non-transactional chunks of time built in to the agenda… otherwise you run the risk of spending a lot of time and money to get together but no one ends up with any deposits in their bank account.
The Payoff
When you invest in relationships, the benefits are profound. Colleagues are more likely to help you, collaborate effectively, and bring their best effort to shared projects. You’ll also find that work becomes more enjoyable and less stressful when you have a network of supportive, engaged coworkers.
So, the next time you’re tempted to stay in task mode, remember this: relationships aren’t just a “nice to have.” They’re a strategic advantage that can propel your career – and your team – to new heights.
Ready to make your first deposit? Start small. A compliment here, a coffee chat there. Over time, those deposits will add up, and you’ll see the difference in both your relationships and your results.
Final Note
EVERYONE needs non-transactional interactions to feel trust and connection with their colleagues. While intended for learning or as a reminder for certain types in particular, this piece should not be read to suggest that those types don’t need that connection too! It’s just that they may not prioritize it the same way and, if they’re not careful, it can slip out the plans for a busy day altogether.
