Years ago we interviewed hundreds of senior leaders reflecting on their “secrets of success” or “the turning point” based on their cognitive preferences and temperament. The goal was to share those insights with people earlier in their career journey as a way to speed up their development. Along the way we did 19 film sessions in London, Boston, and Toronto … and we learned SO much. This article is based on a real story told to us in one of those interviews. The insights here are universal to all and stand as important reminder we can all keep in mind as we go about our work.
There it was again. Nate knew that feeling. He’d been having it every Sunday night for the last 7 years. As soon as it came time for him to think about heading into the office Monday morning, his body tightened up and he felt… gross. He didn’t dislike his work, and he liked his team. But he did not like the person he had to be – that he felt he had to be – in order to be the leader on the team.
The Imitation Trap
Nate had always admired his former boss. This leader – decisive, no-nonsense, and quick to take command – was the kind of person who took control of every room she entered. To Nate, that leader represented success. So, when Nate was tapped to step into that very position years later, he assumed he needed to follow the same playbook.
He mimicked her style. Sharp directives. Fewer questions. More action. He adopted the tone, the posture, even the terse email responses. On the surface, he looked the part.
But underneath it all, something felt off. His days were filled with strain. His interactions left him feeling hollow. He didn’t dread the work itself—but he dreaded being “that guy” every day. He had become an actor in a role that wasn’t written for him.
At first, the team was polite. Respectful. But over time, something shifted. Colleagues grew less engaged. His ideas received lukewarm reactions. A few even started bypassing him entirely for advice or feedback. The problem wasn’t his skills. It wasn’t effort. It was something more elusive.
They Didn't Trust Him
Not because Nate was dishonest or unkind—but because he wasn’t congruent. His team had worked with him for years prior to his promotion and knew him. His new leadership persona felt misaligned with the human they had known before his promotion. People sensed the performance. And it’s human nature that when we don’t know which version of someone we’re going to get (their real self or their “leadership self”) we hesitate. We hold back and trust erodes.
The Turning Point
Seven years into the role, Nate reached a breaking point. Exhausted and disillusioned, he paused one morning outside his office door. He later described it as a simple but radical moment; it was the turning point.
“I remember standing there and thinking – what if I just showed up as ME today? Not trying to be someone else. Just…me. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll figure something else out.”
That day changed everything.
Nate started leading with curiosity instead of certainty. He gave people room to talk. He asked questions. He laughed more. He stopped trying to match his predecessor’s energy and style – instead, he brought his own. Within months, his team culture began to shift. Morale improved. Projects moved more fluidly. Colleagues began looping him in again, this time for his real insight – not his approval.
Nate calls that moment the true start of his leadership journey.
Why This Matters
Nate’s story is not unique. Every day, leaders at all levels—new and experienced—slip into roles shaped more by imitation than by authenticity. We often believe that “leadership” looks a certain way. Maybe it’s bold and assertive. Or always composed and visionary. We take our cues from those who’ve gone before us and often unconsciously try to fit their mold.
But the truth is: the best leaders are not the ones who most resemble other leaders or match some general leadership norm – they are the ones who show up as themselves.
When we lead from our natural wiring, instincts, and true style, we tap into something more powerful than technique: we tap into trust. People recognize consistency. They respond to sincerity. They lean in when they sense alignment between what you say and who you are.
This is not about being soft or overly introspective. It’s about leveraging two of the core engines of influence: credibility and connection. And these can’t be manufactured. They are earned over time through consistency and congruence.
It all starts with the simple idea that you don’t have to become someone else to be a great leader. In fact, the sooner you stop trying to be someone else, the sooner your real leadership journey begins.
