Ego Development
Years ago, I was sitting in the back of an Uber in a country I’d never been to before, watching unfamiliar road signs fly by as my driver navigated a maze of roundabouts and street names I couldn’t pronounce. He spoke decent English but not the local language, so I was impressed that he was essentially operating in two foreign environments at the same time – trying to earn a living while juggling the cultural, linguistic, and emotional complexity of starting over in a new place.
At first, he was just “my Uber driver.” That’s how most of us categorize the people we run into through our daily lives – applying easy labels that provide emotional distance. But a few minutes into the ride, something unexpected happened.
He mentioned sci-fi. (I like sci-fi!)
He talked about a business idea. (It was pretty good!)
He got me curious and engaged. (That’s what I do!)
We started riffing.
He laughed at the same things I laugh at when I’m brainstorming. And suddenly, the realization hit me like a head-on collision with my own reflection:
This guy is an ENTP. He’s me.
Different country.
Different childhood.
Different opportunities.
Different constraints.
But the wiring – the curiosity, the pattern-spotting, the “What if…?” mind – was unmistakable to my trained eye.
In that moment, he went from being “my Uber driver” and I saw him as a fellow ENTP traveler making his way through life on our shared planet. And, perhaps aided by the grogginess of jet lag, I imagined in that moment what it might be like to walk in his shoes. I could see a version of myself who grew up where he did, who immigrated to this new country, who wrestled with language barriers and cultural expectations while still carrying the same restless ENTP drive to build, create, and explore.
That moment stayed with me.
In fact, it cracked something open. It revealed just how thin the boundary is between “me” and “others” … between the proverbial “us” and “them.”
As Mark Twain once wrote:
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views… cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime.
Pete Holmes’ Trick: Calling Others “Me”
More recently, comedian Pete Holmes shared a mental trick he uses in daily life. The first time I heard it, I was immediately yanked back to that Uber ride:
“Sometimes I like to call other people ‘me.’
This ‘me’ is begging for spare change. This ‘me’ is driving me to the airport…
This ‘me’ just brought me a Sprite.”
Pete talks about how we tend to think of people based on their role – she’s a cashier, he’s a flight attendant … a barista, a driver, etc. Those labels create just enough distance to justify or allow for our impatience, frustration, or entitlement. Labels flatten complexity – don’t worry, this isn’t a whole person you need to worry about right now.
But when you deliberately change the label to “this me,” everything shifts.
“This ME looks exhausted after a long shift.”
“This ME is overwhelmed with three kids at home.”
“This ME is just trying to help.”
“This ME is doing their best inside a broken system.”
It’s a lot harder to yell at “this me.”
You can’t treat “this me” as disposable.
That little trick dismantles the protective shell around the ego, which loves to maintain the illusion of separateness. It’s a simple and profound little hack.
The concept “Other Me” is the first in a new 8-part blog series; it’s foundational for what we will call ego development. And, as you will hear, I believe that this simple notion of growing our ego is the future of humanity.
Let’s continue…
The Ego’s Favorite Illusion: Me vs. Them
Most people operate with an unconscious mental architecture:
Me
…and…
Them.
“Me” is nuanced, complicated, and justified.
“Them” is flattened, simplified, caricatured.
We do this because the distance is psychologically useful.
The distance can work as a shield when our ego is under attack:
“Who cares what she thinks?”
“He’s being ridiculous.”
“They don’t have the capacity to understand.”
And it becomes a weapon:
We elevate our views by diminishing others’.
We defend our identity by attacking theirs.
We position ourselves as the rational ones and everyone else as somehow deficient.
But the truth we prefer not to face is this:
The distance between you and another person is rarely as big as your ego would have you believe.
Most of the differences we notice in others are just the cover of their book – culture, luck, wiring, timing, environment. None of which any of us gets to choose.
Where were you born?
Imagine the version of yourself you’d be if you had been born in Japan.
Or Nigeria.
Or the Netherlands.
Or Brazil.
Everything from your sense of humor, to your emotional expressiveness, to your ideas about success and family and responsibility would fundamentally shift. Not because you chose those things, but because they’re the sea in which you grew up swimming.
I find that people underestimate how deeply culture shapes everyone’s identity. We like to think we’re “choosing” our values when most of the time we’re inheriting them. [See our blog: The Other Shoe].
Who raised you?
What if your parents had been more nurturing?
More strict?
More chaotic?
More present?
Or less present?
What if you grew up with a father who believed risk was irresponsible?
Or a mother who believed creativity was indulgent?
Or grandparents who modeled emotional repression?
Or siblings who routinely humiliated you?
Switch any key part of your upbringing and you don’t end up with small differences in the adult version of you … your entire worldview and self-perception would be different. And, given the role that parents play in establishing an individual’s self-worth, you might have dramatically different views on what you fundamentally deserve in life. It’s a huge variable.
When were you born?
Imagine yourself born in 1890.
Or 1650.
Or 2100.
Our identities aren’t fixed. Much of what we think is possible – for ourselves and others – emerges from the moment in time in which we are born and raised.
Imagine being the child of sharecroppers in post Civil War America. Not many opportunities for the enterprising ENTP to consider from that starting point. But if I can relate to our Uber driver above, I can begin to throw my mind into these other contexts and imagine what that might have been like – and accept (at least theoretically) how differently my life would have turned out.
All of these thought experiments weaken the ego’s storytelling that “this version of me is the inevitable me.”
And once that rigidity loosens, we’re ready for a bigger insight.
What if your Preferences or Temperament was different?
This is where our world of cognitive preferences and temperaments comes in. As we teach in all of our programs, the goal is not labeling… in this case the goal is to shift our perspective.
Imagine switching Extraversion / Introversion…
How might you feel the night before a party?
The Extravert thinks, “Finally! People, energy, conversation.”
The Introvert thinks, “I need to pace myself or I’ll crash 2 hours in.”
At the party, the Extravert warms up during socializing.
The Introvert needs to energize before socializing.
Each person is not making a choice in how they show up, it’s physiology. Even this basic element informs a great deal of how we experience our daily life.
Imagine switching Sensing / Intuition…
If you were suddenly switched from Intuition to Sensing you might notice the actual details of what’s happening around you – who said what, the exact sequence of events, the facts on the ground. If someone asks what happened in a meeting, you’d recall the specifics: “We covered A, then B, and here’s what was decided.”
Or if you switched from Sensing to Intuition, you might remember the themes or the overall conversational pattern instead. You’d say something like, “The tone shifted halfway through,” or “This fits a larger trend I’ve been noticing” or “Michael seems down tonight – I wonder how he and Sarah are doing?”
Same moments. Two different forms of intelligence at work.
Imagine switching Thinking / Feeling…
Your next difficult conversation might feel factual and problem-oriented instead of relational and emotional.
Thinker: “Let’s get to the issue.”
Feeler: “Let’s make sure the relationship is okay.”
Neither is right or wrong. They’re just wired differently.
Imagine switching Judging / Perceiving…
A Judger might look at the calendar before a vacation and think, “Let’s map out the broad strokes so we can make the most of it.”
A Perceiver might think, “Let’s leave space for the trip to surprise us.”
Judgers relax after decisions are made.
Perceivers relax when options are still open.
What if you were a different Temperament entirely?
SJ: Safety and responsibility first.
SP: Freedom and spontaneity first.
NT: Mastery and competence first.
NF: Meaning and connection first.
These priorities are the default settings of your operating system. When you start imagining yourself with different settings, you begin to see others not as “difficult,” but as “natural.”
Type as the Bridge
This is why type is so powerful: It lets you see the consistency inside someone else’s behavior – their inner coherence.
Once you see that wiring, there is no oxygen for the fire of judgment to burn.
Understanding and tolerance replaces irritation (at least, more frequently!).
Empathy replaces distance.
Because you realize: They didn’t choose their settings any more than you did.
And that means the gap between you and them is bridgeable. Sometimes easily. Sometimes instantly – like with the ENTP Uber driver. And, yes, I wish I’d gotten his info so I could track his journey!
How Far Can This Go?
There’s a difficult and yet fascinating question underneath all of this:
Is there anyone you couldn’t imagine becoming, if you had their wiring and lived their life?
I think for many of us, this is very uncomfortable because it forces us to confront the fragility of our own “specialness.” To ask that question requires admitting that your life is a combination of your intentional effort… sure, but also:
wiring… timing… chance… parenting… culture…
and opportunities you didn’t earn…and opportunities you never got.
A well-developed ego can hold the following conflicting truths simultaneously:
I worked hard … and I am fortunate.
I have agency … and I am shaped by forces I didn’t choose.
I am me … and “me” could easily have been someone else.
That’s when the walls of the ego begin to soften. Not collapse – just soften.
It’s enough to let other humans in to be seen for who they are.
The Beginning of Something Bigger
As this series aims to show, “Other Me” thinking is just the first crack in the armor of human separateness.
It’s the beginning of seeing every person as a possible version of you – shaped differently, stressed differently, resourced differently, but fundamentally operating with the same fragile, hopeful, striving humanity.
And once that door opens, ego development becomes possible.
That’s where we’re going next in this series.
But for now, it’s enough to remember this:
Every person you meet is a mirror reflecting a version of you that might have existed.
The more honest we can be about that truth, the more the world opens – and the more we grow.
What’s Ahead
If this idea of “Other Me” is working for you, the rest of this series builds on it step by step. Here’s a quick look at where we’re headed:
Part 2 – What Is Ego?
A simple look at what the ego actually is (not the pop-culture version) and how it quietly shapes how we see ourselves and others.
Part 3 – How the Ego Grows
A practical overview of the stages adults move through as they develop more perspective, flexibility, and emotional capacity.
Part 4 – Shadows of Type
How each of the 16 personality types tends to grow – and get stuck – and how knowing your type can make development smoother.
Part 5 – The Future of Humanity
Why most real adult development now happens inside companies, especially through leadership and team dynamics.
Part 6 – Leadership as Legacy
A reframing of leadership: your biggest long-term impact is the growth of the people you develop along the way.
Part 7 – Parenting & Growth
Why parenting is one of the most powerful (and humbling) ego-development journeys available to any adult.
Part 8 – Redefining Yourself
How you can intentionally shift aspects of your identity – the root of habit change and personal transformation.
